Finding out

Immediately after Daniel was born they placed him on my chest, and I felt thrilled. Baby number 3 was here, and it had been SO much easier than getting our other babies here. Then he opened his eyes, just for a second, and worry flickered through me. I hoped that I was wrong, that it was the way he only half opened them, or that I was seeing something that wasn’t really there. After all, nobody else seemed concerned and with his eyes closed he looked just like Will did as a newborn.

But when everyone else had gone and Brian and I were alone with one of the nurses, she asked us if Daniel looked like our other kids. Brian assured her that he did, which is true. But I knew then what she was going to tell us, and I was right. She said that Daniel had some characteristics that indicated Down Syndrome. To say that I felt overwhelmed when she told us this is an understatement. She assured us that the pediatrician would check him out and that chromosome testing would be done to confirm, but I knew. I knew the diagnosis was right.

I cried then. I cried because I was scared. I still am scared. I feel unprepared for life with a child with Down Syndrome. I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a mother to this sweet boy. I feel overwhelmed in a way I never felt with Kalena or Will. What I don’t feel is disappointed. I feel incredibly blessed to have Daniel, and I feel certain that he is meant for our family.

I hope this overwhelmed feeling will fade soon. For now I’ll just enjoy the moments where I feel so much love for him that my heart might burst. Lucky for me those moments come often.

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15 thoughts on “Finding out

  1. You guys will do great. You, more than anyone, know this was meant to be. He picked you in heaven and clung on TIGHT! As with all your kids, just take things one day at a time. Can't wait to see more pictures!

  2. I have been thinking of you and Daniel almost nonstop. Because I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from. Tony was born with a birth deformity and I remember the fear and the overwhelming.You are so much stronger than you realize, and you will find new strengths you didn't know you had. I have such faith in you guys. And I'm sending some serious good vibes your way.

  3. Every child has his or her differences, his just have the possibility of being more visible to the casual observer. You're such a great mom, and you're so strong. I'm so happy for you, and so thrilled to be "meeting" him.

  4. You can totally do this. And oh, I can't get over how gorgeous he is. I really dislike newborns (especially my own) most of the time, but that boy is a CHARMER.

  5. Wow, not sure where to start. You will be an amazing mother to little Daniel as well as your older kiddos…no matter what. From personal experience I can tell you that Kalena and Will are going to be stronger people for having Daniel in their lives. You and Brian will also gain so much from this little man! If you ever need to talk to people who have been there (and also didn't know until the baby was born), I can give you my parents number…they would be more than happy to walk through this journey with you and your family. Of course, I'm always here too, but I don't have the parent's perspective.

  6. I would love to get together sometime. We aren't dealing with exact same situation, but Bella had a massive brain bleed at birth and her future is "unknown" right now as far as what if any disabilities she will have. I understand that panic feeling. These babies are miracles and were sent to inspire and strengthen our families. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  7. I'm not even sure why exactly, but I cried upon reading this. I think it's because intense love and uncertainty are such strong emotions and while our experiences were different, not knowing the path you're on can be hard. It's a different road and one you weren't prepared for ahead of time.The bottomline is that Daniel is blessed to have you and Brian as parents. And like you said, he is meant to be with you.

  8. First, don't let your heart explode. That might be dangerous. Second, c'mon – do I have to cry at every post now? (that's my fault, not yours – I cried when the Cranberries "zombie" came on the radio last week – it's just so good! Bwaaaahhh!) Third, is it just me or are Downs babies SO DANG CUTE??! Is that wrong to say? Because it's true.

  9. Oh wow! I agree with all the above comments. He is just as lucky to have you as you are to have him. I can't wait to watch him grow up via blog world. 🙂

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